May 11, 2022
Back to School Momxiety
May 11, 2022Back to School Momxiety
May 11, 2022Our triggers aren't about our kids. They are about us.
When we don't understand a behavior, we tend to assume the child is doing it on purpose.
As parents, we understandably want to feel more calm, patient, carefree and fun.
But we equally, for a multitude of reasons, become frustrated, impatient and critical.
Most parents struggle with many uncomfortable feelings at least some of the time on most, if not all, days. There are so many unmet needs we struggle with all the time.
We can feel exhausted, frustrated, angry, confused, worried, guilty, anxious, lonely, misunderstood, exasperated, overwhelmed or just low. It’s normal for us to constantly crave feeling better and stress about feeling the uncomfortable feelings
Self-regulation is that super important tool, a must have tool to helps navigate parenting without loosing our cool so often.
However, it's a skill that must be learned through practice.
Self regulating means I am capable of managing my emotions. Instead of flying off the handle, yelling, slamming doors, shutting down or throwing a tantrum, I am able to work through what I am feeling.
For example, if I am feeling anxious, it helps me to name it. Oh, I’m anxious. It helps me to identify a reason, or identify there is no reason. I am anxious because of work, or, this is just general anxiety and is not related to any one thing. It helps me to go for a walk, take deep breaths, maybe call a friend.
One of the feelings I feel most often is overwhelmed. I tell myself I do not have to do everything at once, that I can do one small thing, or do something for just ten minutes.
If I am feeling disheartened I try to practice self-compassion and talk to myself with patience and kindness.
Beating myself up doesn’t work on any emotion.
Now, I’m not saying this is easy. In fact, I think it’s the most challenging thing you do in parenting. Every single parent I’ve ever spoken with has self-regulation work to do, because it’s a journey and life-long process.
I’ve had to do a lot of healing work so that I wasn’t unintentionally harming my children. And making it so they thought that they did something wrong when it wasn’t them at all, it was something that I had inside of me that I needed to heal.
Sometimes I used to take things they did way too personally. Like what they did meant they weren’t listening or connecting to me when that wasn’t the case at all. It might have been something as small as not cleaning up after themselves when I’d asked them to do so.
That lack of response from them at the time left me feeling disrespected and highly emotional.
Looking back, I can see that I overreacted within myself. Now if something happens, I try to step back and be a calm observer of myself, my child, and the situation.
It is also important that we understand that babies and toddlers can't regulate their emotions. Children can only do this if they were taught this skill and it was modeled for them. They need to borrow our more mature self-regulation skills and nervous system to help regulate theirs.It is important that you model self-regulation by remaining calm. Offer a gentle touch, empathy, and validate their feelings.
That’s what coregulation means. If we can’t regulate ourselves, we can’t help our children regulate.We do our best parenting when we respond rather than react. Self-regulation is key. Emotion regulation is essential to parent responsively and will be a challenging life long process.
About me
I'm a cycle-breaking coach who enjoys educating others on better parenting methods.
Working towards future generations not needing to heal from generational trauma is my goal and it starts with us.
It is never too late to break the cycle.
Sasha Snow
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