Back to School Momxiety

This particular summer seems to have gone by quicker than those previous. 

I wonder if it’s just me or if other mothers feel it too.

The racing heart which rhythmically pairs with the fast-paced breathing gives life to the most crippling of thoughts. 

When did it get so chronic? 

Motherhood unlocked a lot of things in life for me but I had no idea it would trigger my anxiety, then again, I also had no idea how incredibly deep and strong I could love a little human. 

The constant need to make sure they are loved, protected, and healthy, sure these are normal wants or at least should be, yet my necessity to ensure all is well can make me lose myself in my mind from time to time. 

On certain days it looks like waking up in the middle of the night and wondering if my children are breathing. Feeling so extremely tired I use my logical sense to ease my own mind and convince myself they are fine, so I can get the sleep my mind and body so desperately need. 

Suddenly I’m thirty minutes into having horrible scenes of me waking up to tragedy because I didn’t get up to check on my child. Unable to sleep, finally I get up and check on each child. Peace of mind truly is priceless. 

Even things like watching or reading the news hit entirely different now. 

Having majored in journalism I was trained to always keep a poker face and maintain neutral expressions but when I hear about disturbing cases involving violence it affects my mental health. Motherhood made me stronger but more emotionally intuitive. 

Before motherhood I never cried during sad movies, well let’s just say, now I find it difficult to keep my eyes dry. 

Living with chronic anxiety as a mother is something I work with every single day.

I recall a specific event which marked me. It was soon after the tragic school shooting that took place in Parkland, Florida. Something inside me erupted, I started having full blown anxiety attacks which increased over time.

We lived very close to where the shooting took place. I would have to hold in my tears when dropping my son off at school. I would drive back home crying just asking myself if that was going to be the last time I got to kiss him or make him lunch. I would think about all those who lost their life, what went through their mind, I would think about the emotional destruction of the parents. Before I knew it my chest was tight and I was crying again.

During the day at random moments I would have visions of a shooter entering my child’s school. 

I would become shaky and tears would roll down my face uncontrollably. 

I wanted to just drive to his school and request an early release.

Each time my son came home scared and told me they had another active shooter drill it only made me feel worse. 

No child should experience this burden. It’s PTSD in the making. It took a lot of strength but I tried my best to stay composed in front of my children while pointing out the positive within the situation. I would tell him that the sheriff was watching over them and would not let anything bad happen. 

I struggled with mom guilt though since I knew Parkland had security on site and he was the first to bail on those kids but how could I put more stress on a child who at such a young age is already enduring anxiety himself.

It became so bad for us that I decided to homeschool my son. He had been asking to be homeschooled for a while back then and I had not done it sooner because I doubted I would have the time to do it properly. 

My youngest was then starting pre-k so it seemed like the right moment. 

I will never forget the day I unenrolled him from school. The school counselor tried to talk me out of homeschooling my son but I felt it was the right decision for us. I wasn’t wrong either.

It went surprisingly well, we practiced un-schooling for a few weeks and then slowly began our new chapter. 

I had put so much pressure on myself and in the process I learned that homeschooling ironically is quite the opposite. It is all about relieving the pressure. It felt like freedom. 

It was different in positive way. I was able to plan my child’s lessons based on how he learns best and based on his personal interests. No deadlines, no one size fits all. 

The one on one attention really helps children thrive. 

Soon after we began homeschooling unfortunateluy Covid erupted and interrupted our life as we knew it. We faced challenges but managed to keep going despite the circumstsances..

However two years later we found ourselves living in a different city and embracing a different lifestyle. After the covid lockdown both of my children were in big need of socialization. 

My youngest was asking to go to school, she had never had the chance to formerly start kindergarten because everything had been shut down. 

I myself was in need of personal space as well so I could resume work. The idea of putting them back into school made frequent appearances throughout out my daily thoughts. 

Finally I made the choice and enrolled the kids in school. It was a combination of emotions ranging from relief to immediate guilt. The security at my children school seemed well organized but every now and then the county we live in or the one that neighbored ours would report a threat shaking my entire nervous system.

Nearing the end of the school year I debated between going back to homeschooling or moving forward. Days before my sons last day of elementary school news of another school shooting broke, in the town of Uvalde TX. I was heart broken and cried for days. 

I wondered if I should take it as a sign. 

If you are a parent who identifies with any of these feelings I am sending you love, strength, peace and hope. 

It is said “To be a Mother is to watch your heart walk around outside of your body” and this is incredibly true.

You really never stop worrying about your children because with every stage come new worries but to be a mother in these times I swear, is another level of parenting. 

Between school shootings, covid and the increase in human trafficking developing anxiety almost seems like a right of passage. 

We suffer a lot of silent battles, but I see you, I hear you, and I feel you. 

Some day this will have passed.

When life gets too heavy I remind myself the importance of living in the moment and that my children are learning how to regulate emotionally by watching me. 

I can’t teach them proper skills unless I know how to cope with my own emotions.

The best way we can ensure our children’s minds are healthy is to make sure ours are healthy too.

A warm bath, meditation, journaling, reading positive affirmations and listening to relaxing music are very helpful when you need to decompress and can also be beneficial for children as well. Simply swap the warm bath for a bubble bath and if your child is younger and more of an artist than a poet they might rather draw instead of write. It all comes down to finding an outlet for our anxiety. 

Here are a few of my favorite quotes to read when I feel overwhelmed.“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.” -Kahlil Gibran

1. “Present fears are less than horrible imaginings.” -William Shakespeare 
2. “Slow breathing is like an anchor in the midst of an emotional storm: The anchor won’t make the storm go away, but it will hold you steady until it passes.” -Russ Harris
3. “The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” -William James
4. “Of all your troubles, great and small, the greatest, are the ones that don't happen at all."

   At the end of the day, tell yourself gently: I love you, you did the best you could today, and even if you didn’t accomplish all you had planned, I love you anyway.

   Remember it is never too late to break the cycle. 

   With love and light,

                    Sasha Snow